My imminent departure for Chicago (6 days!) feels … overwhelming. It’s been a long time since I took a whole vacation for myself, by myself. I’m going alone, specifically to immerse myself in the theatre world there, but also explore the possibilities of living in what is quickly becoming America’s Theatre Mecca.

As such, I’m toying with a few ideas of how to document my trip. I have this blog, and I have a Twitter account that is specifically devoted to cultural musings of mine. While I still dislike Twitter, and have it only because it is a necessary self-promotional evil, it is incredibly easy to update. I can send it a text message from my dumb-phone (no smartphones for me, not yet) and it will update, so I can live blog the experience as I go. On the other hand, I’m planning to stay in a nice hostel on the waterfront that has computers and free internet access, so perhaps I will be able to update this blog.

I’m also still on the fence about whether or not blogging about my vacation is relevant here. I’m leaning more toward “yes, do it!” this morning, but I also recognize that that might change tomorrow, or in the next several hours, depending on when self-consciousness takes over. I mean, it’s a vacation — no one wants to get stuck watching my stupid vacation slideshow. But, it’s Theatre Mecca. I’m making a pilgrimage. I’m taking a ton of theatre books with me to read. I’m going to a lot of free museums during the day, and I made a schedule for myself of plays I want to see. It’s going to be 5 days of art, which is totally relevant to this blog.

I’m also leaning in the “yes” direction because, as it turns out, Seattle playwright Paul Mullin is in town some of the same days as me, and he’s blogging about his experience. Of course, Paul Mullin is a professional writer, while I’m an artist, but not so much of the writing variety. I’m just a humble blogger, and perfectly content to stay that way.

I also realized I don’t know how to end this post, since I haven’t come to any conclusions. If I set myself to this task, I will probably forget a couple of days. I’m also concerned that, if I sit down in front of a computer at the hostel, then I won’t get up for several hours and I’ll lose a good chunk of my day that I could otherwise use exploring the city (which is why live blogging via Twitter is appealing — I can do it on the move).

I should really relax about all of this. I suppose this whole argument with myself is really a symptom of a larger problem that I have, and that is anxiety about my worth, as an artist and a person. I’m great at creating structure for myself, but it is hard for me to get myself moving in that direction, because I am plagued with doubt about how it will be received, and if I should go for it or not. Doing something like buying a plane ticket, or setting an audition date and posting the notice, or finally sending that long-pondered email, forces me onto an unstoppable course of action that eliminates self-doubt simply because I’m now on the road, and there’s nowhere to U-turn. But something as unstructured as blogging, or self-producing, is much, much harder.

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