“Turn Off the Derp” Makes Broadway’s Worst History

And you have misused your power, investors.
And you have misused your power, investors.

Let’s all heave a huge sigh of relief – “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” will close in the first week of January 2014. I am considering throwing a party to celebrate the end of a show that has been more cursed than MacBeth, and which has left a dark stain on theatre history.

Not only did the show get terrible reviews, cause cast injuries, and perpetuate the stupid idea that entertainment needs to be flashy and big to be entertaining, but this awful musical will, apparently, have record losses as well, to the tune of $60 million. The show cost $75 million, twice as much as any previous gaudy Broadway musical, and made about $1 million per week after it officially opened in November 2010 because, in large part, people really wanted to see the actors fall from great heights and severely hurt themselves. That’s a terrible reason to see a show, by the way, and its no wonder reality television is doing so damn well in this country when all we want is to watch other people fail miserably, to reinforce that we are not complete losers that those (highly-paid, hand-picked) jackasses on television.

A New York Times article says that several investors, who routinely invest money on Broadway musicals the way one would invest in stocks (and I guess they’re proving to be just as volatile, because no one can be arsed with NewYorkLand anymore), have not been paid back anything on their investments. One even said that the budget was “a disaster – just a disaster.” That sort of makes me think that maybe you shouldn’t invest money in such a thing, or pull your investment out. I guess the terrible management of most businesses has allowed people to think that they can throw money into anything involving prevalent-enough advertising and expect some return.

Will “Spider-Man” prove the bursting of the Broadway bubble? Gawd I hope so.

“I think the investors will eventually see something, but look, this is showbiz,” Michael Cohl, one of the show’s lead producers, said in the article.

“This is showbiz”? Meaning, maybe we should focus on making good art instead of throwing money at CGI explosions with no plotline? Oh wait, no sorry, there’s no money in art – because idiot investors keep throwing it at things that will make them more money, rather than using those dollars to sustainably create jobs or businesses. GOOD JOB EVERYONE.

Just turn off the Derp already.

spiderp

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